Humor in the Wehrmacht

[der alte Landser]

Thanks Jonathon. These little stories really illustrate that humor is present in every army. It's a lot of fun to share them with other forum members too.

[der alte Landser]

Here's another anecdote from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt." Roughly translated, this means, "Amusements crumbled from the Breadbag." This one, entitled "Good Sound," is on page 41 and is about Felix Steiner. The author is identified by the initials, "OW."

During the Reich Party Day in 1937, the following story made the rounds of the Verfügungstruppe:

Standartenführer Steiner sat somewhat embarrassed in his PT gear in the field latrine at the camp. As Steiner went about the performance of his business, his next door neighbor, who apparently didn't know him, said: "Hey fatty, are you in the band, or what?"

[Alex Dekker]

Very funny, this one about Steiner! Thanks for posting.

[der alte Landser]

Glad you enjoyed it Lexiebabe. Here's another funny little story from "Ein Tornister voll Humor" (English — "A Backpack full of Humor." It's entitled "Well Intended" and can be found on page 58.

Deepest night. In front of the quarters of our all-powerful company commander stood a figure in shirt sleeves urinating against the building. My Kamerad Sepp went straight over and yelled at the figure: "You should be ashamed of yourself doing that in front of the old man's quarters!" The figure responded: "Would you shut up! I am the old man!"


This next one is from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt.," page 146. It's entitled "Squad sleeping." The author is "HK," which I believe are the initials of Hanne Kempin, commander of III./Der Führer.

At Dunkirk, Company Kempin captured, among other things, a large supply of tents, enough so that each squad had one. A tent was erected for the company headquarters section. The following occurred during the first night:

Everyone had just dozed off to sleep when the company commander was disturbed by loud snoring. He ordered the offender, Rottenführer Hienzel, to go sleep outside. A little while later, out went the next snorer; the headquarters section leader, followed by one company runner after another until the commander was all alone in the tent.

The next morning, Kempin emerged sleepy-eyed from the tent and saw his headquarters section personnel grinning at him. The Rottenführer exclaimed, "After we were all sent packing outside, there was only one snorer left in the tent — you, sir!"

[der alte Landser]

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Here's a little anecdote is from VB-Feldpost #4, page 73. It's entitled "A Good Son."

At paycall one day, the Hauptmann asked one of his soldiers:

"What do you do with your leftover pay?"
"Send it home, Herr Hauptmann!"
"To whom?"
"To my parents, Herr Hauptmann!"
"What a good son! How much have you sent home then?"
"Up to now, I haven't have any left over, Herr Hauptmann!


Here's another anecdote is from VB-Feldpost #4, page 38. It's entitled "The Helpful General."

It was between Smolensk and Roslawl that a general met two Landser marching along the side of the road. Ordering a halt to his vehicle, the general asked, "Where are you two headed?"

"To Smolensk, sir," came the answer.

"Well, climb in and I'll give you a lift," said the general, and he didn't have to say it twice.

On reaching the city, the general asked his traveling companions where they wanted to be dropped off.

The adjutant, sitting beside the general at the steering wheel, paled at the answer:

"To the delousing station, sir!"


This one is from "Ein Tornister voll Humor, page 48. It's entitled, "Is that all?"

During an inspection of a rifle company, the major walks up to a tall soldier and asks him a few questions:

"Where are you from, my good man?
"From Munich, sir!"
"Married?"
"Yes, sir!"
"Any children?"
"Yes, sir — a boy!"
"What? Such a strapping guy, but only one child? How long have you been married, anyway?"
"Two months, sir!"

[Tom Houlihan]

I found myself thinking that this thread more than any other does more to humanize the Wehrmacht than anything else we've done, IMHO. For years we were taught that the mass of Feldgrau moving across Europe was an army of automatons.

This thread, like no other, disproves that.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.

[der alte Landser]

Tom: Thanks very much for the kind words. There are many obstacles to understanding the German soldier and his world, particularly for those of us who are non-Germans. I feel very fortunate that I spent quite a few years living in Germany, learning the language, and growing to appreciate German history and culture. Having served as a soldier myself (US Army 1979-2001) I know what it means to wear the uniform.

Looking at pictures or newsreel clips of soldiers (or any service personnel for that matter) it's easy to forget, or never even consider, that each one of the images is real people. Carbon Leaf recorded a song a couple of years back called, "The War Was in Color." The song is about the American experience in WW2, but the meaning fits for other soldiers too. The first time I heard it, I got choked up because it was so powerful. I will include the link to a Youtube video of it right below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf29IIQuqYk

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it must have meant to serve as a soldier of Germany in the war. More than weapons, uniforms, awards and so on, the man who wore the uniform is what interests me. We can't go back from our modern perspective and fill his shoes, but there are pieces of his world that we can still see and learn from. There is no doubt that German soldiers had a healthy sense of humor. They needed it to sustain them through the long years of war under such demanding conditions.

[der alte Landser]

This next one is from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt.," page 230. It's entitled "Mother's Little Son." The author is "HB."

Right after he was awarded with his Knight's Cross, Gruppenführer Hausser pulled a piece of string out of his pocket, and said:
"My mother always said: "Paul, always keep a piece of twine (Schnur) and a nail (Nagel) in your pocket. You never know when you'll need it!"
Then he took the just-awarded Knight's Cross from around his neck, pulled the band off, and neatly folding it, placed it in his pocket. He threaded the twine through the loop on the Knight's Cross, and tied it around his neck, murmuring to himself: "Wonder when I'll need that nail..."


Here's another one from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt.," page 194. It's entitled "The Main Thing." The author is "HM."

It was 28 May 1940. Our commander Sepp Dietrich had come within a hair's breadth of cashing in his chips, along with Max Wünsche. Now they had just been rescued by our battle group. A handful of men encircled Sepp Dietrich. Still restless and agitated, our commander unrolled the dramatic events to us. He wasn't to choosy with his words either. Suddenly, he slapped the seat of his trousers forcefully and exclaimed, "The main thing is, we didn't get our asses shot off!"

We responded with rousing laughter, convinced that Sepp Dietrich was right.

[Me-109 Jagdfleiger]

Some more great sotires and a very moving song, Thank you for posting both,
Jonathan

[der alte Landser]

Here's a story from VB-Feldpost # 3, page 57, (1944) It's entitled "Well sure."

It was during the advance that a small "Rata" fighter made an appearance overhead. Everyone dove for cover. From our foxholes, we saw the poorly-targeted eggs rushing toward the earth. Were they bombs? Then the airplane was lost behind a white cloud: propaganda leaflets fluttering down. Out of a neighboring ditch, we heard a deep voice:

"Have we arrived at a cultured spot here? Since when did we ever get resupplied by airmail — with toilet paper?"

Gefr. Richard Pumptow


Here's another story from VB-Feldpost # 3, page 28. It's entitled "Gewehr über."

Our Hauptmann was terribly absent-minded, and sometimes even went searching for things he was holding in his hand. One day the company assembled in the parade square to be briefed on an upcoming exercise. The soldiers were all polished and clean, and the first sergeant had already checked each man multiple times. Finally, the Hauptmann made his long-awaited appearance, and we assumed the position of attention, straight as spears. After the reports had been exchanged, something happened that brought a smile to the face of even the most morose soldier! The Hauptmann commanded in a loud parade ground voice:

"Left shoulder, ARMS."
We stood there still as trees.
Then the first sergeant called out: "Sir, the men aren't carrying rifles."
The Hauptmann: Well, sh*#..... Order, ARMS."
In deadly silence, soldiers nudged their buddies in mirth.
"First sergeant, dismiss the company!" ordered the Hauptmann. We were glad for it, because almost everyone was biting his tongue to keep from laughing out loud! After this incident, we always fell out with rifles, and "Well, sh*#..... Order, ARMS," became a regular part of our daily language.

Gefr. Franz Webeck

Note about this story: I've translated the command "Das Gewehr, über" as "Left shoulder, Arms," and "Gewehr, ab" as "Order, arms."

[panzermahn]

Hello die Alte Landser

Many thanks for posting these anecdotes. Quite humorous and funny!

Whenever I read about jokes about German soldiers or by them, it always came to my mind the character of Feldwebel Schultz from the movie Stalag 17

[der alte Landser]

Hello all! Recruits are always good for a few laughs, especially from soldiers who are already serving. Here are three stories on this topic. The first one is from VB-Feldpost # 1, page 34. It's entitled "Saluting."

Sometimes, life isn't so simple for Unteroffiziere. One day during a class on military customs and courtesies, a recruit earnestly asked the following question to his drill instructor: "Herr Unteroffizier, are we required to salute officers wearing civilian clothes if we don't know them?"


Here's one from "VB-Feldpost # 3", page 84. It's entitled "He still doesn't know how."

Outside of the clothing issue building, the first sergeant meets a newly clothed recruit who doesn't render the proper military greeting.

First sergeant: "Why didn't you salute, soldier?
Recruit: "I don't know how, first sergeant."
First sergeant: "How long have you been in the army?
Recruit: "This is my second day, first sergeant."
The first sergeant smiles to himself and jokes: "See how fast the time is going?"

Hauptwm. Klesczwski



The last one for today is from "Lachendes Feldgrau," page 107. It's a little story entitled "Special Grounds."

To the general amusement of all present, Recruit Bonzemann reported for induction carrying a walking stick. Fortunately, he bumped into a good-natured Unteroffizier, who asked:
"How do you plan to send that home?"
"What?"
"That stick?"
"Well, I'm taking it with me."
"You're taking it with you?"
"Naturally — when I go home."
"When?"
"Today, or early tomorrow."
"You think you're leaving here?"
"Well, I have to."
"Why?"
"I have a goat and two rabbits."
"Look, that's not a reason to leave the army. Anyway, who's feeding them while you're away?"
"My neighbor?"
"Are you married?"
"No. I'm independent."
"Look, you're in the army. We're going to make a soldier out of you."
"Out of the question. I have to go home tomorrow morning and I have a special reason why."
"A special reason?"
"Certainly. I have a round trip ticket."
Bonzemann stayed in the army.

[der alte Landser]

This anecdote is from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt.," page 112. It's entitled "Chimney Sweep," and is about Rottenführer Deixler, who is also the subject of a story on page 1 of this thread. The author is "AB."

During the campaign in France during 1940 Rottenführer Deixler decided to fry some potatoes in the fireplace of a house. He couldn't get his fire lit, so went out to his vehicle to retrieve a can of gas. Deixler soaked the wood with a healthy dose of gasoline and threw on a match. The fire erupted with a mighty roar and was soon burning brightly. The potatoes were sizzling in the pan when the first sergeant burst in the house:
"For God sakes, what's going on in here?"
"Frying potatoes, Stabsscharführer."
And because one never quite knows what the first sergeant is up to, Deixler asked, "Would you like some, Stabsscharführer?"
"Yeah sure, but first go out and clean up the wreckage from the chimney. It didn't survive your style of fire-making."




Here's one is from VB-Feldpost #4, page 31. It's entitled "Bunker Conversation."

Just returned from leave at home, Kamerad Kästing is explaining to his buddy that he's just gotten engaged to a very pretty girl. Not only that, but she has an identical twin sister.
"Is the sister pretty, too?" asks Kamerad Segerdahl.
"Oh yeah, she sure is!"
"And they look exactly alike?"
"Absolutely," confirms Kästing, "as a matter of fact, I can hardly tell them apart."
"Wow, it would be easy to get them mixed up."
"Yeah, it's so stressful trying to figure out which one is my fiancee and which is the sister."
"You know, Kästing, if it was me, I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say — to err is human..."



The last one for today is from "Lachendes Feldgrau," page 78. It's an anecdote about Reichspräsident von Hindenburg: The armored cruiser "Deutschland" stood on the way at Kiel ready for launching. Parade and ceremonial with Trara and Tschingbumm. Hindenburg swung the bottle of Sekt to christen the new ship. But inadvertently, a shipyard worker had pulled out a couple of stoppers, and the ship began to slide down the way too soon. The bottle swung through the air, missing the prow of the ship. Hindenburg rumbled: "Teetotaler!"

[Me-109 Jagdfleiger]

This anecdote is from "Heiteres aus dem Brotbeutel Gekrümelt.," page 112. It's entitled "Chimney Sweep," and is about Rottenführer Deixler, who is also the subject of a story on page 1 of this thread. The author is "AB."

During the campaign in France during 1940 Rottenführer Deixler decided to fry some potatoes in the fireplace of a house. He couldn't get his fire lit, so went out to his vehicle to retrieve a can of gas. Deixler soaked the wood with a healthy dose of gasoline and threw on a match. The fire erupted with a mighty roar and was soon burning brightly. The potatoes were sizzling in the pan when the first sergeant burst in the house:
"For God sakes, what's going on in here?"
"Frying potatoes, Stabsscharführer."
And because one never quite knows what the first sergeant is up to, Deixler asked, "Would you like some, Stabsscharführer?"
"Yeah sure, but first go out and clean up the wreckage from the chimney. It didn't survive your style of fire-making."

Another great story , Hopefully when i fry potatoes tonight they come out well with out the destruction of the stove ...
Jonathan

[der alte Landser]

Jonathon: I hope the potatoes came out all right. We had potatoes in our home last evening for dinner, too. There was no danger of explosion since we use an electric range.

Most of these little books that I translate from were printed for families to send out to their men in uniform. There are longer stories in them in addition to jokes and short anecdotes. This is one of those stories from "Lachendes Feldgrau, pgs 141-142. It's entitled, "Die 7. Kompanie."

“For a soldier of the 7. Kompanie, nothing is impossible.” That was the favorite expression of the Kompaniechef, Oberleutnant Frerich.

“March objective for tomorrow — Pezenski!” He said at the start of the Russian campaign, for example.
“Pezenski?” thought the platoon leaders and calculated the distance on their maps. “Sixty kilometers, and on Russian paths?”
The Chef guessed what they were thinking. “For a soldier of the 7. Kompanie, nothing is impossible,” he said. “Any more questions?”
No, there were none, and the next evening the Kompanie was in Pezenski.

Later in the campaign, the Kompanie was in reserve and had time to breath. There was even the chance for Schütze Promb to marry his fiancée through a proxy wedding, with Oberleutnant Frerich officiating. Soon afterward, the Kompanie deployed further eastward into action. During the fighting, Schütze Promb expended all his ammunition, but still made prisoners of six heavily armed enemy troops. Promb received a promotion to Gefreiter, and was decorated with the Irom Cross, Second class.

During the celebration, a telegram arrived for Promb from home. His wife had delivered a healthy baby boy! “Wow!” said the Oberleutnant. “In a single week married, promoted, six enemy prisoners taken, proxy wedding, EK II, and a new son. How is that all possible???”

Gefreite Promb stood tall and replied: “For a soldier of the 7. Kompanie, nothing is impossible, Herr Oberleutnant.”