Let's start a thread on humor related to WWII. Keeping in mind of course, the death of so many is NEVER, EVER funny... jokes are mankinds way of dealing with the pain and agony of loss, and there is no escaping that the human spirit, even at it's worst, will always look to humor to lift itself up.
Enough with the disclaimer - let's here some period/period related jokes!!
WWII jokes
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Jason Pipes
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WWII jokes
Last edited by Jason Pipes on Sat Mar 26, 2005 10:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Jason Pipes
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Two German officers were talking...
Two German officers were talking sometime in 1944. One officer asks the other, "what do you plan to do after the war is over?" He responds "well, a nice bicycle ride around Germany sounds nice" to which the other responds "ok, and what about in the afternoon?"
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Jason Pipes
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Whose plane is it?
A joke told by the German soldiers at the end of the war:
Whose plane is it?
If it's silver it must be American. If it's brown it must be British. If it's green it must be Soviet. If you can't see it you can be sure it belongs to the Luftwaffe.
Whose plane is it?
If it's silver it must be American. If it's brown it must be British. If it's green it must be Soviet. If you can't see it you can be sure it belongs to the Luftwaffe.
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Walter Wulfsen
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O.K., I've got one which is funny and a true story. I quote directly from, M.D.: Doctors Talk About Themselves, by John Pekkanen (1988). In this book Pekkanen interviews physicians anonymously, so they can be candid. It is truly a great book for anyone considering medicine as a career. Enough already, on to the story.
"This surgeon is one of those types who make a sport of teasing people. He seems to especially enjoy it in the operating room. Another surgeon he works with had been an officer in the German Army in World War II. They go back a long time, and this guy knows where all of this German surgeon's sensitive spots are. One time during surgery they sent out some tissue to pathology. For some reason, the path report took much longer than usual, but they had to wait before they could continue. As they're waiting, this German surgeon, who has a very short fuse, begins to pace and mutter something about the incompetence of the lab. The other surgeon turns to him and in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear says, "Not like the old days when you could just line them up and shoot them, huh?" I mean this German surgeon just exploded."
"This surgeon is one of those types who make a sport of teasing people. He seems to especially enjoy it in the operating room. Another surgeon he works with had been an officer in the German Army in World War II. They go back a long time, and this guy knows where all of this German surgeon's sensitive spots are. One time during surgery they sent out some tissue to pathology. For some reason, the path report took much longer than usual, but they had to wait before they could continue. As they're waiting, this German surgeon, who has a very short fuse, begins to pace and mutter something about the incompetence of the lab. The other surgeon turns to him and in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear says, "Not like the old days when you could just line them up and shoot them, huh?" I mean this German surgeon just exploded."
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Panzerkopf
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Piet Duits
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Re: Whose plane is it?
One in the same line, and heard on both sides:Jason Pipes wrote:A joke told by the German soldiers at the end of the war:
Whose plane is it?
If it's silver it must be American. If it's brown it must be British. If it's green it must be Soviet. If you can't see it you can be sure it belongs to the Luftwaffe.
If a plane is camouflaged and bombard the allies, it's german. If it's camouflaged and bombard germans it's british.
If it's shiny silver and bombard everything, it's american.
Nur für den Dienstgebrauch
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Dackel Staffel
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Avete,
"How many French Soldiers does it take to defend Paris?"
-Nobody knows, it has never been attempted!
"Why are there so many tree lined roads in France?"
-The Germans like to march in the shade!
I like France as much as any foriegner, but these are still quite amusing.
Valete,
-Spandau
"How many French Soldiers does it take to defend Paris?"
-Nobody knows, it has never been attempted!
"Why are there so many tree lined roads in France?"
-The Germans like to march in the shade!
I like France as much as any foriegner, but these are still quite amusing.
Valete,
-Spandau
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.
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Jason Pipes
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Jason Pipes
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Text from one of my favorite Onion articles. Tonge firmly in-cheek!! 
August 15, 1945, New Monument Celebrates French Cowardice in Face of Adversity
PARIS- Wishing to commemorate the glorious French tradition of bowing to foreign powers, the French government unveiled a new public monument, the "Arc de Capitulation".
"Short live France!" Exclaimed French General Charles De Gaulle at the unveiling ceremony Wednesday. "This great monument will stand forever to symbolize our proud history of buckling under."
"If not forever," he added, "it will stand at least until it is hammered into rubble by a foreign conqueror" De Gaulle called the new arch, "a beacon for all those, French or Non French, who have found the strength within themselves to give up."
The 130-foot-tall pink marble arch spans the Rue de Surrender and is topped with a statue of the triumphant goddess of Victory, trampling the French people with her winged foot and holding aloft a banner reading "Peur" or "Fear"
Thousands of French supporters of cowardice came out for the celebration.
The Arc was designed by French sculptor Henri-Louis Rouben, renowned among his contemporaries for the delicate finish and mirror like sheen he achieved on SS officers' boots during the Nazi occupation.
Frescoes and bas-reliefs on the two columns of the Arc depict scenes from historic French surrenders, such as Napoleon's to Wellington in 1812 and De Gaulle’s to Hitler in 1939. Several spaces were left blank to make space for artistic renderings of future Gallic submissions.
August 15, 1945, New Monument Celebrates French Cowardice in Face of Adversity
PARIS- Wishing to commemorate the glorious French tradition of bowing to foreign powers, the French government unveiled a new public monument, the "Arc de Capitulation".
"Short live France!" Exclaimed French General Charles De Gaulle at the unveiling ceremony Wednesday. "This great monument will stand forever to symbolize our proud history of buckling under."
"If not forever," he added, "it will stand at least until it is hammered into rubble by a foreign conqueror" De Gaulle called the new arch, "a beacon for all those, French or Non French, who have found the strength within themselves to give up."
The 130-foot-tall pink marble arch spans the Rue de Surrender and is topped with a statue of the triumphant goddess of Victory, trampling the French people with her winged foot and holding aloft a banner reading "Peur" or "Fear"
Thousands of French supporters of cowardice came out for the celebration.
The Arc was designed by French sculptor Henri-Louis Rouben, renowned among his contemporaries for the delicate finish and mirror like sheen he achieved on SS officers' boots during the Nazi occupation.
Frescoes and bas-reliefs on the two columns of the Arc depict scenes from historic French surrenders, such as Napoleon's to Wellington in 1812 and De Gaulle’s to Hitler in 1939. Several spaces were left blank to make space for artistic renderings of future Gallic submissions.
The joke about air planes was used everywhere on the Western front.
Another one (in the Waffen SS), when saluting the height of our hand usually indicated our present situation. It was meant to say "so hoch ist die Scheisse".
In the last few Month the front lines were getting closer all the time, in fact I remember firing (Nebel Werfer) on Ami's in the evening and Ivan the next morning. A standing joke then when firing a Panzerfaust "watch the other front with your back blast".
And maybe the best of them all, when on May 8th or 9th 1945 with the SgtMajor on the back of my motor bike a Sherman about 100 m in front of us and a T 34 the same distance behind us I asked him "which way". His answer "just go".
Gerhard
Another one (in the Waffen SS), when saluting the height of our hand usually indicated our present situation. It was meant to say "so hoch ist die Scheisse".
In the last few Month the front lines were getting closer all the time, in fact I remember firing (Nebel Werfer) on Ami's in the evening and Ivan the next morning. A standing joke then when firing a Panzerfaust "watch the other front with your back blast".
And maybe the best of them all, when on May 8th or 9th 1945 with the SgtMajor on the back of my motor bike a Sherman about 100 m in front of us and a T 34 the same distance behind us I asked him "which way". His answer "just go".
Gerhard
A few jokes are always a good way of signing off after some serious browsing. I'm sure these are familiar to you all, but..
Around Christmas 1944 Berliners were advicing eachother to be practical with their gifts this year, give a coffin...
Air raid shelters in Berlin were marked with L.S.R. (Luft Schutz Raum (spelling?), meaning air raid shelter). Berliners in the winter/spring of 1945 claimed it was a piece of friendly advice from their masters: Lernt Schnell Russisch (Learn russian, FAST!)
OMK
Around Christmas 1944 Berliners were advicing eachother to be practical with their gifts this year, give a coffin...
Air raid shelters in Berlin were marked with L.S.R. (Luft Schutz Raum (spelling?), meaning air raid shelter). Berliners in the winter/spring of 1945 claimed it was a piece of friendly advice from their masters: Lernt Schnell Russisch (Learn russian, FAST!)
OMK
Corridors of power.
Corridors of power.
Originally printed in "Union Jack" The Army Newspaper.
General:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a steam train. Gives policies to god.
Brigadier:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Almost as fast as as a speeding bullet. More powerful than a shunting engine. Walks on water.
Colonel:
Leaps short buildings with a run up. As fast as a slow bullet. More powerful than a large lorry. Sometimes walks on indoor swimming pools.
Lt Colonel:
Can barely clear a Nissen hut. Can fire a speeding bullet. Loses tug of war to a lorry. Is occasionally spoken to by god.
Major:
Leaves marks high up on buildings, when attempting to jump over them. Can order others to fire speeding bullets. Pushes lorries up hill. Talks about god.
Captain:
Runs into tall buildings. Recognises most trains. Pushes car on flat ground. Swims well.
Lieutenant:
Trips over threshold of tall building. Makes train noises. Can tow a car, if driving another. Talks to animals.
2nd Lieutenant:
Not allowed in buildings.Is frequently late for trains. Is run over by cars. Mumbles to himself.
Sergeant Major:
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them. Catches speeding bullets between his teeth. Kicks steam trains off the rails. Freezes oceans with a single glance.
Originally printed in "Union Jack" The Army Newspaper.
General:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a steam train. Gives policies to god.
Brigadier:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Almost as fast as as a speeding bullet. More powerful than a shunting engine. Walks on water.
Colonel:
Leaps short buildings with a run up. As fast as a slow bullet. More powerful than a large lorry. Sometimes walks on indoor swimming pools.
Lt Colonel:
Can barely clear a Nissen hut. Can fire a speeding bullet. Loses tug of war to a lorry. Is occasionally spoken to by god.
Major:
Leaves marks high up on buildings, when attempting to jump over them. Can order others to fire speeding bullets. Pushes lorries up hill. Talks about god.
Captain:
Runs into tall buildings. Recognises most trains. Pushes car on flat ground. Swims well.
Lieutenant:
Trips over threshold of tall building. Makes train noises. Can tow a car, if driving another. Talks to animals.
2nd Lieutenant:
Not allowed in buildings.Is frequently late for trains. Is run over by cars. Mumbles to himself.
Sergeant Major:
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them. Catches speeding bullets between his teeth. Kicks steam trains off the rails. Freezes oceans with a single glance.
Thanks. Dave.
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Michael N. Ryan
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When Goering's wife announced she was pregnant early on in the nazi regime comedians quickly made her the subject of their jokes. Perhaps they figured since Goering liked hearing them joke about him no matter how insulting, he wouldn't mind.
The Line of their's going "If it's a boy he should be named Hamlet, since Goering will be asking Is He Mine or Is he Not?".
Needless to say, these comedians found themselves in Concentration Camps before any could state repeat performances.
Personally, I'm not much into jokes I prefur situation humor.
The Line of their's going "If it's a boy he should be named Hamlet, since Goering will be asking Is He Mine or Is he Not?".
Needless to say, these comedians found themselves in Concentration Camps before any could state repeat performances.
Personally, I'm not much into jokes I prefur situation humor.