Forum Heroes II: Einsamer vs. The SS

[Commissar D, the Evil]

TRIALS (Continued from the "Betty Ford" Thread)

The little Panzer dodged through the woods and bounced over fallen tree trunks, smashing through the thick brush in its effort to escape the big Russian T-34. Sam and his crew had immense faith in the tiny Czech-built machine. Its endurance was legendary and its reliability far surpassed that of most other tanks of her generation. Still, she was cramped and stifling inside and the constant jolting and squeal of the tracks produced a deafening noise.
Johnny Wolftruppen drove her hard. He took her over the roughest forest paths, splashed her through the black mud of the numerous Russian creeks and rammed her through any obstacle that appeared. This was not a kind land for Panzers, as France had been. Many times they were on what was actually a road, without even knowing it, as it was so rutted and eroded that it felt the same as the forest they had driven into.
Finally, they came to a clearing and could see beyond it a tiny Russian village, no more than a few houses sitting at a crossroads. Judging that they were safe at last, Sam ordered Johnny to halt the tank, so that they could inspect her for damage and check the tracks and engine. No panzer-man wanted to be on foot in this wilderness. And the only way to stay mounted was to take continual care of the machine.
It was then, to their surprise, that they discovered Einsamer Poff. He was tethered to the muffler brace by his Hitler Jugend scarf and much the worse for the wear. Prit cut the scarf from the muffler to release him. Einsamer looked up at them. He was totally naked as the brush had torn off all of his clothing except for a single sock. The grit and soot from the engine, as well as the black Russian earth had ground itself into his every pore. His entire body, from scalp to toe was totally blackened. Even his shockingly red hair was gone, fried away either by the heat of the engine or the friction of being dragged for so many kilometers.
Johnny Wolftruppen managed to get him to his feet. Despite their innate dislike for the man they considered the “weak sister” of the crew, neither Sam, Prit nor Johnny was happy at this turn of events. He may have been a Nazi bastard, but he was their Nazi bastard and they preferred to abuse him on purpose, not by accident. So they did their best to comfort him. He wasn’t particularly hurt–a scratch here, a bruise there. But he was somewhat disorientated and, of course, terribly frightened by his harrowing ordeal.
Prit attempted to wipe his face off with what was left of the crew’s water ration. Sam dug out some bits and pieces of a uniform and a pair of boots for him to wear. Johnny contributed a bar of that acid-like Wehrmacht soap “Ivory” After ten full minutes of scrubbing his fallen comrades face, Prit suddenly through up his hands.
“My God!” Prit exclaimed, “This stuff won’t come off!”
Sam leaned over to get a closer look. “It looks like the dirt and stuff is embedded in his skin. You’ve gotten the surface of it off, but the rest is lodged in his flesh–it’s almost like a tattoo!”
Hearing this, Einsamer, who had been relatively stoic up to this point began to whine. “Ver ist mein booken? Ver ist mein uniformen? Vat happened mit mein glasses. Vat vill Ein doen?”
The crew soothed him as well as they could and helped him dress. Sam plopped an old Russian civilian cap he had found on Einsamer’s head to protect his now bald and very tender skin.
Then they helped him climb into the tank and headed for the village.

It began to snow heavily by the time the lone panzer reached the village. The crew was gratified to see numbers of German infantry scrambling about, laying wire and digging entrenchments; it appeared that, for the moment at least, they were behind their own lines. Sam and the others began to perform maintenance on their tank. Einsamer, still understandably upset by his ordeal, wandered off in search of a latrine. He didn’t return immediately, which wasn’t a rare occurrence in Russia, so the crew worked without him. A track pin was missing, so they had to replace it--never fun work--and their attention turned fixing that problem and finding others in order to make the tank battle-worthy.
Unbeknownst to them, Einsamer Poff was at that moment standing before the town commandant, SS Standartenfuhrer Hans Deutschlanderwache. Two burly SS men had seen Einsamer, regarded him as an unlikely specimen of a German Soldat and dragged him unceremoniously and despite his protests, to the Standartenfuhrer.
Hans Deutschlanderwache was a smallish man with beetle brows and a pointed nose, seated behind a wooden desk. He peered down that long nose at the man standing in front of his desk with undisguised contempt. Then he sneered at the two guards, “Why is this untermensch wearing our glorious country’s uniform?”
Einsamer was standing at attention and he flashed a salute, “Sir, ist Einsamer Poff, ein Deutsch soldat!”
The Standartenfuhrer and his men burst into uncontrolled laughter. After a few minutes and a glass of water, Deutschlanderwache regained his composure enough to say, “You subhuman beast, you are as Black as coal–do you think I’m a fool? Do you know what we do with spies dressed in German uniforms? And where did you get that ridiculous accent!?”
“Sir, Ein am dirty”, Einsamer offered.
Again gales of laughter issued from the three SS men. One stepped forward, wiped his hand on Einsamer’s cheek and chuckled, “Well, it doesn’t seem to wash off!”
The Standartenfuhrer howled. “You moron, there aren’t any Negroid Germans!”
“I am der aryan!” Einsamer replied stubbornly.
But his insistence only added to the hilarity of the situation and the three SS men dissolved in laughter once more.
“Enough, enough”, Standartenfuhrer Deutschlanderwache cried, “I’m begging you, please stop, my sides can’t take this any more.”
Einsamer began to cry. “But ein am der Deutscher, I vas born in der Dusseldork.”
At this, one of the guard fell to the floor laughing. The Standartenfuhrer had to excuse himself and left the room. He returned in a few minutes, having resolved to maintain his composure at all costs.
“All right then, where are your papers, where is your paybook?”
Einsamer looked at the floor. “Lost in der kampf.”
The SS officer frowned, deeply. “And your identity disc?”
“Al ist lost.”
“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere”, the Standartenfuhrer said, winking at one of the guards. “So you have no proof that you are actually a –and he suddenly began to chortle again uncontrollably–a Black Deutscher!!!” The SS officer fell out of his chair before Einsamer could answer. Once he seated himself again, he forced his expression into a rigid mask. “But enough of this farce, this has been more amusing than burning peasant hovels. Tell me snowflake, do you have a word in your primitive language for “Einsatzgruppen?”
Humiliated, Einsamer resolved to take this abuse no more. He stepped forward and pounded his fist on the desk and shouted, “I demand ze zientific test of Aryan Manhood!”
Surprised by this outburst, Standartenfuhrer Deutschlanderwache leaned back in his chair. He thought for a moment and then grinnned. “Well, who am I to deprive others of this divine comedy? You people are so amusing, it is a shame you are so inferior. Very well, you may have the test, but you know the penalty for your inevitable failure. Schultze, bring in the Medical Care Orderly!!!”

[Prit]

Hahahahahahaha!

More! More!

Prit

[Thersites]

Ditto!

[Deutschlanderwache]

Havent read your post.

Cant it be that your are frustrated that you are only a monkey??

[Einsamer_Wolf]

Havent read your post.

Cant it be that your are frustrated that you are only a monkey??

Well now I really am shocked. A monsterous, unfair insult lauded by me from David, only followed by a racial epithet from this German youth. I am not sure which one offends me more.

EW

[D.W.]

Just ignore the Deutschlandwhatever kid, he is merely a troublesome youth with no direction in life. Poor thing......

[Commissar D, the Evil]

ZE ZCIENTIFIC TEST OF ARYAN MANHOOD

In the SS, the post of “Medical Care Orderly” was a position held by failed medical students and other societal dregs whose sole purpose was to apply the scientific Aryan Manhood test under field conditions. As such, they were outside the normal SS chain of command. Although usually assigned in the later war years to Concentration Camps, in 1941 each SS Corps usually had one attached. This was due to the unexpected difficulties encountered by the ordinary SS man, untrained in the finer aspects of German scientific theory, to distinguish between an Aryan and a tree.
Landser in the Wehrmacht developed expedient field tests for this purpose, but they were not regarded as accurate by SS scientists. For instance, Wehrmacht soldiers developed the “dog test” and swore that it was 100% accurate. Under the dog test, a German Shepherd was given plenty of liquid to drink and not allowed to urinate. The dog was then taken to a field in which the SS candidate stood next to a tree. If the dog urinated on the SS candidate and not the tree, he or she was judged to be pure Aryan. But such simple tests were not in favor with the scientific establishment, so the post of “Medical Care Orderly” was developed.

Standartenfuhrer Deutschlanderwache was widely known as “Herr Schmucko” or, to his really good friends, “Das Gross Putz”. He giggled as he lead poor Einsamer into the room where the MCO was setting up his equipment. These tests were always a favorite of his and he intended to savor every moment.
“I’ve got another one for you”, Das Gross Putz said amiably.
The MCO was a grizzled, toothless old man with a toupee and rotted teeth. Einsamer could smell his breath from the doorway. The old man smiled and pointed to a table. Einsamer bravely jumped up on the table as the MCO wheeled a cart of medical tools for his exam over to it.
Einsamer’s eyes widened. At the array of gleaming instruments laid on the table.
Seeing his discomfort, Standartenfuhrer Deutshlanderwache laughed. “Show him what you’ve got for him my dear MCO.”
The MCO held up a hammer, “This is to measure the lumps on your head.”
Einsamer shuddered.
“And this beauty is to measure your bodily parts”, the MCO held up a double strand of barbed wire.
Einsamer stuck his chin up defiantly. “I am not afraid of ze pain!”
To this the MCO simply smiled. He reached under the cart and produced a huge black plastic device that oddly resembled a two-foot long male member. “And this is to determine if you will make a worthy member of the S.A.”, he said solemnly.
Einsamer promptly fainted.
The Standartenfuhrer walked up next to the MCO and whispered, “You will of course give me the S.A. test at the usual time tonight won’t you?”
“Of course”, the MCO agreed quickly. “And tonight we will use the Ernst Roehm model.”
Satisifed, or at least with visions of satisfaction dancing in his head, Das Gross Putz waddled out of the room.

After several hours of screams and cries, the MCO walked into the Standartenfuhrer’s office. Exhausted, he lit a cigarette and sat down.
“Well?” Deutshlanderwache asked impatiently.
The MCO puffed on the cigarette. “An amazing specimen, I still haven’t been able to identify the exact racial type.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well”, the MCO began slowly. “I couldn’t find any lumps on his skull, so I had to make some. But those were inconclusive. Then I measured his skull, which was much too large for an Aryan skull. It was almost like a.....well, like a pumpkin.”
“So he’s not Aryan, right?”
The MCO continued as if he hadn’t heard the question. “And then I measured his genital size. They were entirely too small for an inferior race. In fact, based on that alone, I would have to say he was tiny enough to be a member of the Nazi Party.”
“So what are you saying?” the Standartenfuhrer seemed perplexed.
“Well, scientists cannot always be as precise in these matters as we’d like to be. He did fail the S.A. test. And his skin is definitely not white. So, on balance, as a scientist, I would have to say that he is not an Aryan.”
A broad smile came over the Standartenfuhrer’s face. “That’s fine Herr MCO, just fine. I thank you. Now I can have him shot. We’re still on for tonight aren’t we?”

Meanwhile, the Forum Heroes were settling in to a hot dinner and it was remarked amongst them that the continuing absence of Einamer Poff was very strange....


WILL THE FORUM HEROES COME TO THE RESCUE OF THEIR LOST CREWMAN EINSAMER POFF? OR WILL THE FORUM HEROES ALLOW HIM TO BE EXECUTED BY THE DASTARDLY MACHINATIONS OF DAS GROSS PUTZ AND THE MCO??? Tune in next time, my friends.

Cheers,
~D

[Deutschlanderwache]

Just ignore the Deutschlandwhatever kid, he is merely a troublesome youth with no direction in life. Poor thing......

you are totaly wrong

[Commissar D, the Evil]

Just ignore the Deutschlandwhatever kid, he is merely a troublesome youth with no direction in life. Poor thing......

Yes, D.W., I quite agree. He is of no consequence whatsoever. Children shouldn't be allowed on this site.

Best Regards, David

[MCO]

Havent read your post.

Cant it be that your are frustrated that you are only a monkey??

Commissar, insert the boy into the horse's rump!

[D.W.]

Havent read your post.

Cant it be that your are frustrated that you are only a monkey??

Commissar, insert the boy into the horse's rump!

Commissar, insert the boy into MCO's rump (Don't get your hopes up MCO, it's David's story and he can tell it like he wants to....)

[Deutschlanderwache]

Yes, D.W., I quite agree. He is of no consequence whatsoever

[Deutschlanderwache]

Commissar, insert the boy into MCO's rump (Don't get your hopes up MCO, it's David's story and he can tell it like he wants to....)

Do you know where i insert you?...

[Tom Houlihan]

"Commissar, insert the boy into the horse's rump!"

Is that part of the test, too? Did I miss a paragraph?[/quote]

[MCO]

Commissar, insert the boy into MCO's rump (Don't get your hopes up MCO, it's David's story and he can tell it like he wants to....)

D.W.,
As you typed that, what were you doing with your free hand?